So this will probably be the hardest piece I have written to date. It is the most honest piece I have written and certainly doesn't depict me in the brightest light. This year is about being honest with myself, others and what I want. My personal journey is out there for people to read, share and judge. If I am going to become the person I want to I have to share all sides of myself...not just the ones that are convenient. While I am not preaching at all, I thought it was important to share my story because I am sure there are thousands of similar stories just like mine.
I woke up last week overwhelmed and anxiety ridden and the first thing that entered my brain was I need to get tested. I didn't know why, I just knew that it was time.
For the most part of 2011, I did not have sex. I was just coming out of a five year relationship and I was too scared to sleep with anyone else. I had never been with anyone in the biblical sense besides him. It wasn't a big deal until I started to realize it was a big deal. I was terrified of having sex with anyone. I was scared of being intimate with someone, scared that I wouldn't be good...just scared. Then something happened. I just threw caution to the wind, like I so often do in my life and followed through. One drunken night I hooked up with some guy off Grindr. It was hot and fun but I wasn't safe. I never used protection with my boyfriend and while I knew I should have with this stranger... I just didn't care. I played it off and kept it a secret from many of my closest friends...because in my mind if you don't tell the truth you don't have to deal with it. Unfortunately while I was dealing with many other emotional issues drinking and having unprotected sex was becoming a trend. I found myself doing it more and more and telling myself that because I was a top that I was less at risk. I found myself hating myself right after, even calling my best friend after crying. However, in the sober light of day I was able to push it to the back of my mind and carry on like nothing ever happened. It wasn't till a long walk home on a hot summer night that my best friend out of the blue just blurted out "You need to stop having unprotected sex" When someone that you respect and love just calls you out like that...sometimes that is all you really need. So I did. I told myself I wouldn't have sex again until I could handle the responsibility of having it. To be quite frank I still haven't. So it has been well over six months and while I think I can handle the responsibility, I just haven't wanted to.
With a new year upon me, I am really trying to be the person that I have always wanted to be, which simply just means someone that has their shit together. So after back tracking and second guessing I woke up on the morning to get tested with such clarity. Whatever the results were I would deal with them. I made the decisions to play unsafe and if I was HIV positive then I would deal with it. I got dressed, put on Kelly Clarkson and marched into the clinic and for the first time in my life I wasn't scared. I waited and watched the awful videos that they play (someone should really talk to them about filming some new segments) and waited some more. Thankfully my results came back HIV negative. After walking out of there calling my friends to share the good news, I couldn't help but think about how silly I had been about all of it. From not wearing a condom to not finding out my status sooner. Why didn't I go find out my status sooner? I was too scared to see that my actions actually have consequences.
Now most people might just go back to doing exactly what they were doing; being carefree and reckless. I mean you would be surprised how much this issue of barebacking actually comes up on sites like Scruff and Grindr. It might feel good at the time, but it doesn't feel good sitting around thinking what did I just do? What do I do now? So although I said I wasn't going to preach, I will say that I will always be safe from here on out, a promise to myself and for myself. Not for friends, not for fear of what people will think but for my well being. I encourage others to do the same and to know your status.
-Scotty Em
0 comments:
Post a Comment